the unbearable sadness of being

above me, my neighbor sings absent-mindedly while doing the dishes, her soothing voice draws out the tears I've been so eager to cry. this is not a perfect post, nor is it a happy one. this is a pain-channeling post, the kind that your therapist wants you to write. you've blocked out the emotional pain for so long. you've forgotten how to feel. this is the kind of post you write when the...

Anchors

What's keeping you here--those anchors--are stronger than any suicidal ideation you may have. Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash I heard him speak softly between my tears and gasps for air, you have significance. Those anchors you just listed are stronger than any other thoughts you may have. You need to reach out when it gets tough; we're not meant to do life alone. I'm not...

Sunday marks eleven years since I was raped

Dear 13-year-old, One day, you'll wake up, and you'll be sad. Not about what happened about your past, really. Sadness about that is inevitable. You'll be sad about what's happening in your present, in your current moments. You'll be sad, but you'll be afraid to be sad. You'll sit in his office one day, ok, many days actually, his diplomas hanging on the wall, next to the bookcase on your left....

I found self love through a 15 pound weight gain

and other things I have to tell my therapist i. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks. ii. I can't tell if my boundaries are getting more rigid or I'm just putting up walls. Again. iii. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks because instead of talking about my feelings, I ate them. Which I guess is better than starving myself, but not by much. iv. There's a thin line between self-confidence and...

to victims and future victims

your life isn't over the moment you think it is,when the what if's fill your mind and you wonder,did i do all i could. he got everything (and by everything, i mean nothing),and you got nothing (and by nothing, i mean everything).he got his name in lights, and you get anonymous. but anonymity has its perks, and the lightis sometimes our greatest enemy because it shineson our sins. and he has...

the truth is

the truth is i am powerful i am healing i am worthy the truth is not what they called me, told me to be true. the truth is, i am improving every day i show up every day and try my best. the truth is though i may be fearful, i am stubborn, so nothing's gonna stop me. the truth is i am beloved and loved and known. the truth is i am creating who i am and who i want to be each time i start a...

It’s not yours to carry

As I write this, I’m sitting in front of the altar in the sanctuary of my church—the church I attend and the church where I work. Twenty-four hours ago, I told a pastor and close friend that there are some days when I walk into this building I call home and feel like I can’t be here—shouldn’t be here. I’m too broken, too bruised, too shattered. But this is a sanctuary—a literal...

Abandoned: trigger warning

“Abandonment!” He exclaimed in the middle of our safety planning. “That’s your trigger! Whenever you feel abandoned or alone, you start to panic, start to relive the trauma, start to become suicidal.” Which makes sense when you know how the story ended. They say that speaking your truth allows for healing, that giving words to the trauma reduces the power it holds over you. Well, If...

Ripple Effect

a very short story She didn’t believe in ghosts. At least not in the say ‘boo’, spirit without a body, walk through walls type way. She believed in flashbacks and nostalgia, that trauma could be passed down through generations. She saw her father’s father’s father every time her parents argued. Thuds and echoes of anger ricocheting off the walls, penetrating the door as she lay on...

Tell me about the rabbits

a letter to my mental health Photo by Jackson Jorvan from Pexels I don't really spiral as much as I go down a rabbit hole and can't find my way back, I explained to the psychiatrist who saw me the morning after I went to the ER. I go down a rabbit hole, and I can't find my way back, and lately, there's too many rabbits and too many holes for me to even sleep soundly at night, and they're long...