(Online) Dating as a Trauma Survivor

When you start to get paralyzed, I need you to write about it, my therapist told me during our session on Friday. I need you to write about it because that’s how you process what’s happening, and for too long, you haven’t processed. He’s right. I know he’s right, but writing scares me. Writing scares me because there’s this layer of uncomfortability that comes with each post. Each...

The Art of Being Angry

(Since this got bigger than expected, if you guys need to talk about anything, reach out. I'd be happy to talk to you.) (originally posted on Medium.com) I need you to get angry, my therapist told me. Until you do, you'll be held captive to the shame and guilt for things done to you. I've been afraid to be angry at what happened. But then we watched that scene from Grey's Anatomy where Jo storms...

The Town I Grew Up From

What a now-defunct Walgreens taught me about living (originally posted on Medium.com) The town I grew up in has 28,625 people. It's a town my sister left, flying all the way across the country to find herself. (While I chose the more expensive route of hospital stays and therapy.) It's a town full of memories and pain, nostalgia and heartbreak. But mostly, it's full of family. Family...

My therapist regrets to inform me I’m not a terrible person

And other things I doubt My therapist has this way about him. Speaking gently when the voices in my head are screaming at me. You feel alone, like you have no one to be 100% honest with. Your support group, your friends, your family have no idea. I tell him: Sylvia Plath once said, 'I talk to God but the sky is empty.' That's how I feel right now, totally alone in this great big universe. I...

I hope you find your peace

on this #WorldSuicidePreventionDay I didn't want any flowers, I only wantedto lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.How free it is, you have no idea how free.Sylvia Plath, Ariel TW: I understand that suicide is a delicate subject for many people. Some people reading this may have attempted it; some people reading this may know some one who attempted it; some people reading this may...

OCD

Right now, I should be sleeping, or at least trying to. Instead, I'm laying on my parents' couch wondering if I locked my apartment door. I'm going out of town for a week, and I can't remember if I locked my apartment door. Did I lock my apartment door? Fighting the urge to drive across town to check my apartment is making me restless. "Fight the urge," my therapist says. "Fight the urge." It's...

Anxiety

feelings are not factsfeelings are not factsfeelings are not facts. over and over and over on repeat in my head bouncing knee, beating heartimpending doom. do not be anxious about anything... spiral, spiral, spiral downlet me off this roller coaster. please, i beg you,an airplane's going to fly into this building at any second,a car's going to hit me if i go outside. ocd ocd ocd ocd ocd ocd ocd...

the unbearable sadness of being

above me, my neighbor sings absent-mindedly while doing the dishes, her soothing voice draws out the tears I've been so eager to cry. this is not a perfect post, nor is it a happy one. this is a pain-channeling post, the kind that your therapist wants you to write. you've blocked out the emotional pain for so long. you've forgotten how to feel. this is the kind of post you write when the...

Anchors

What's keeping you here--those anchors--are stronger than any suicidal ideation you may have. Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash I heard him speak softly between my tears and gasps for air, you have significance. Those anchors you just listed are stronger than any other thoughts you may have. You need to reach out when it gets tough; we're not meant to do life alone. I'm not...