Right now, I should be sleeping, or at least trying to. Instead, I’m laying on my parents’ couch wondering if I locked my apartment door. I’m going out of town for a week, and I can’t remember if I locked my apartment door. Did I lock my apartment door? Fighting the urge to drive across […]
feelings are not factsfeelings are not factsfeelings are not facts. over and over and over on repeat in my head bouncing knee, beating heartimpending doom. do not be anxious about anything… spiral, spiral, spiral downlet me off this roller coaster. please, i beg you,an airplane’s going to fly into this building at any second,a car’s […]
above me, my neighbor sings absent-mindedly while doing the dishes, her soothing voice draws out the tears I’ve been so eager to cry. this is not a perfect post, nor is it a happy one. this is a pain-channeling post, the kind that your therapist wants you to write. you’ve blocked out the emotional pain […]
What’s keeping you here–those anchors–are stronger than any suicidal ideation you may have. I heard him speak softly between my tears and gasps for air, you have significance. Those anchors you just listed are stronger than any other thoughts you may have. You need to reach out when it gets tough; we’re not meant to […]
Dear 13-year-old, One day, you’ll wake up, and you’ll be sad. Not about what happened about your past, really. Sadness about that is inevitable. You’ll be sad about what’s happening in your present, in your current moments. You’ll be sad, but you’ll be afraid to be sad. You’ll sit in his office one day, ok, […]
and other things I have to tell my therapist i. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks. ii. I can’t tell if my boundaries are getting more rigid or I’m just putting up walls. Again. iii. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks because instead of talking about my feelings, I ate them. Which I […]
your life isn’t over the moment you think it is,when the what if’s fill your mind and you wonder,did i do all i could. he got everything (and by everything, i mean nothing),and you got nothing (and by nothing, i mean everything).he got his name in lights, and you get anonymous. but anonymity has its […]
the truth is i am powerful i am healing i am worthy the truth is not what they called me, told me to be true. the truth is, i am improving every day i show up every day and try my best. the truth is though i may be fearful, i am stubborn, so nothing’s […]
As I write this, I’m sitting in front of the altar in the sanctuary of my church—the church I attend and the church where I work. Twenty-four hours ago, I told a pastor and close friend that there are some days when I walk into this building I call home and feel like I can’t […]
“Abandonment!” He exclaimed in the middle of our safety planning. “That’s your trigger! Whenever you feel abandoned or alone, you start to panic, start to relive the trauma, start to become suicidal.” Which makes sense when you know how the story ended. They say that speaking your truth allows for healing, that giving words to […]
