The Art of Being Angry

(Since this got bigger than expected, if you guys need to talk about anything, reach out. I'd be happy to talk to you.) (originally posted on Medium.com) I need you to get angry, my therapist told me. Until you do, you'll be held captive to the shame and guilt for things done to you. I've been afraid to be angry at what happened. But then we watched that scene from Grey's Anatomy where Jo storms...

The Town I Grew Up From

What a now-defunct Walgreens taught me about living (originally posted on Medium.com) The town I grew up in has 28,625 people. It's a town my sister left, flying all the way across the country to find herself. (While I chose the more expensive route of hospital stays and therapy.) It's a town full of memories and pain, nostalgia and heartbreak. But mostly, it's full of family. Family...

My therapist regrets to inform me I’m not a terrible person

And other things I doubt My therapist has this way about him. Speaking gently when the voices in my head are screaming at me. You feel alone, like you have no one to be 100% honest with. Your support group, your friends, your family have no idea. I tell him: Sylvia Plath once said, 'I talk to God but the sky is empty.' That's how I feel right now, totally alone in this great big universe. I...

I hope you find your peace

on this #WorldSuicidePreventionDay I didn't want any flowers, I only wantedto lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.How free it is, you have no idea how free.Sylvia Plath, Ariel TW: I understand that suicide is a delicate subject for many people. Some people reading this may have attempted it; some people reading this may know some one who attempted it; some people reading this may...

Sunday marks eleven years since I was raped

Dear 13-year-old, One day, you'll wake up, and you'll be sad. Not about what happened about your past, really. Sadness about that is inevitable. You'll be sad about what's happening in your present, in your current moments. You'll be sad, but you'll be afraid to be sad. You'll sit in his office one day, ok, many days actually, his diplomas hanging on the wall, next to the bookcase on your left....

Minding the Gap

A millennial's perspective on church and authenticity Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash There's something really wrong with a church when the message sounds more like an advertisement for the church than about being drawn closer to God, when worship is the best part of the morning, and the message snaps you out of the presence of God. You've heard it many times before, seen the research many...

It’s not yours to carry

As I write this, I’m sitting in front of the altar in the sanctuary of my church—the church I attend and the church where I work. Twenty-four hours ago, I told a pastor and close friend that there are some days when I walk into this building I call home and feel like I can’t be here—shouldn’t be here. I’m too broken, too bruised, too shattered. But this is a sanctuary—a literal...

This changes everything

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.JK Rowling I didn’t realize the power of prayer until I was sobbing at the altar, through the prayer, through the closing song, through the benediction. I didn’t realize the power of prayer until I had an army of people surrounding me, and for the first time in my life, I felt the Holy Spirit truly move. It was the Sunday...

Tell me about the rabbits

a letter to my mental health Photo by Jackson Jorvan from Pexels I don't really spiral as much as I go down a rabbit hole and can't find my way back, I explained to the psychiatrist who saw me the morning after I went to the ER. I go down a rabbit hole, and I can't find my way back, and lately, there's too many rabbits and too many holes for me to even sleep soundly at night, and they're long...