living life palms up

finding the will to live amidst the trauma The first thing I learned in therapy was to validate myself–validate the past versions of me that were hurt, validate the parts of myself that are hurting now; another thing I learned while completing the ‘Emotional Regulation’ section of DBT theory, designed to help manage the effects […]

Maybe home is more than just a place

Six months ago, I never thought I’d find myself here–in a room with white colored walls and a stippled ceiling, a place to call my own. “There’s no place like home.” Dorothy once said, as she tapped her ruby slippers Together one by one. “Home is where the heart is,” They all say as if […]

This is what healing looks like

“But in the end, one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.” ― Albert Camus I always thought I’d end up killing myself one day; that’s the way I’d go out–swallowing a bottle of pills, driving into a tree, or jumping out a window. So many ways to die; not enough time to execute them […]

What Borderline Personality Disorder taught me about myself

Borderline- Noun; a personality disorder (mood disorder) characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. I have to talk to you, I texted him at 8:00 one night, it’s important. I sabotage relationships because I don’t feel like I deserve any thing good in my life. I don’t feel worth it. He simply replied, I know. But you are. It’s […]

How to survive a panic attack in three acts

Prologue:  On the bulletin board next to my desk is a handwritten checklist from my therapist: is it truthful? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If no, let it go. .  .  . Act 1:  Hold an ice cube in your hand, squeeze it until all you can focus on is the pain shooting up […]

I challenged her to write a post in which she doesn’t mention her past (stolen from my old blog)

I forgave myself today, kneeling at the altar. You can’t move forward if you’re angry at the past– angry at yourself for things that are not your fault, for relapses you could’ve controlled if you had just. . . just . . . re  a   c  h  e   d   out, for relationships you purposefully sabotaged […]

Letter to a suicide note

I found you tonight, tucked away amongst books I haven’t read in years but love too much to throw away. I’m getting ready to move, packing books in suitcases and clothes in boxes because I can’t stay here forever. I can’t stay here forever: trapped in the past–but I can’t move forward until I move […]

Part 2- I’ll suffer, but at least I’ll have $40 in my pocket

“Honey, you ain’t been to a funeral until you’ve been to one with 3 ex-wives,” is not a sentence I’d ever thought I’d here in my life. But, here I was, in the trailer home of an 84-year-old woman who spoke “her damn mind.” She was, of course, referring to her ex-husband number 2, who […]

Apartment hunting in the age of depression

How does one even make a budget, I texted to my friend, a mixture of panic and frustration washing over me. Like, I know I need to move out, but I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to even begin apartment hunting, and besides. I have a crockpot and a mattress. Life has […]