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I hope you find your peace

on this #WorldSuicidePreventionDay I didn’t want any flowers, I only wantedto lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.How free it is, you have no idea how free. Sylvia Plath, Ariel TW: I understand that suicide is a delicate subject for many people. Some people reading this may have attempted it; some people …

the unbearable sadness of being

above me, my neighbor sings absent-mindedly while doing the dishes, her soothing voice draws out the tears I’ve been so eager to cry. this is not a perfect post, nor is it a happy one. this is a pain-channeling post, the kind that your therapist wants you to write. you’ve blocked out the emotional pain …

Anchors

What’s keeping you here–those anchors–are stronger than any suicidal ideation you may have. I heard him speak softly between my tears and gasps for air, you have significance. Those anchors you just listed are stronger than any other thoughts you may have. You need to reach out when it gets tough; we’re not meant to …

Sunday marks eleven years since I was raped

Dear 13-year-old, One day, you’ll wake up, and you’ll be sad. Not about what happened about your past, really. Sadness about that is inevitable. You’ll be sad about what’s happening in your present, in your current moments. You’ll be sad, but you’ll be afraid to be sad. You’ll sit in his office one day, ok, …

I found self love through a 15 pound weight gain

and other things I have to tell my therapist i. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks. ii. I can’t tell if my boundaries are getting more rigid or I’m just putting up walls. Again. iii. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks because instead of talking about my feelings, I ate them. Which I …

It’s not yours to carry

As I write this, I’m sitting in front of the altar in the sanctuary of my church—the church I attend and the church where I work. Twenty-four hours ago, I told a pastor and close friend that there are some days when I walk into this building I call home and feel like I can’t …

Abandoned: trigger warning

“Abandonment!” He exclaimed in the middle of our safety planning. “That’s your trigger! Whenever you feel abandoned or alone, you start to panic, start to relive the trauma, start to become suicidal.” Which makes sense when you know how the story ended. They say that speaking your truth allows for healing, that giving words to …

How to stop relying on the approval of others.

I’ll admit that this is something I’m still working on so this might be more for me than for you. I sent her a text the other day, freaking out because I was spiraling. I accidentally texted someone on their day off, and I was convinced they now hated me. She simply replied: “Why does …

This changes everything

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. JK Rowling I didn’t realize the power of prayer until I was sobbing at the altar, through the prayer, through the closing song, through the benediction. I didn’t realize the power of prayer until I had an army of people surrounding me, and …

Tell me about the rabbits

a letter to my mental health I don’t really spiral as much as I go down a rabbit hole and can’t find my way back, I explained to the psychiatrist who saw me the morning after I went to the ER. I go down a rabbit hole, and I can’t find my way back, and …