(Online) Dating as a Trauma Survivor

When you start to get paralyzed, I need you to write about it, my therapist told me during our session on Friday. I need you to write about it because that’s how you process what’s happening, and for too long, you haven’t processed. He’s right. I know he’s right, but writing scares me. Writing scares me because there’s this layer of uncomfortability that comes with each post. Each...

I hope you find your peace

on this #WorldSuicidePreventionDay I didn't want any flowers, I only wantedto lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.How free it is, you have no idea how free.Sylvia Plath, Ariel TW: I understand that suicide is a delicate subject for many people. Some people reading this may have attempted it; some people reading this may know some one who attempted it; some people reading this may...

the unbearable sadness of being

above me, my neighbor sings absent-mindedly while doing the dishes, her soothing voice draws out the tears I've been so eager to cry. this is not a perfect post, nor is it a happy one. this is a pain-channeling post, the kind that your therapist wants you to write. you've blocked out the emotional pain for so long. you've forgotten how to feel. this is the kind of post you write when the...

Anchors

What's keeping you here--those anchors--are stronger than any suicidal ideation you may have. Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash I heard him speak softly between my tears and gasps for air, you have significance. Those anchors you just listed are stronger than any other thoughts you may have. You need to reach out when it gets tough; we're not meant to do life alone. I'm not...

Sunday marks eleven years since I was raped

Dear 13-year-old, One day, you'll wake up, and you'll be sad. Not about what happened about your past, really. Sadness about that is inevitable. You'll be sad about what's happening in your present, in your current moments. You'll be sad, but you'll be afraid to be sad. You'll sit in his office one day, ok, many days actually, his diplomas hanging on the wall, next to the bookcase on your left....

I found self love through a 15 pound weight gain

and other things I have to tell my therapist i. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks. ii. I can't tell if my boundaries are getting more rigid or I'm just putting up walls. Again. iii. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks because instead of talking about my feelings, I ate them. Which I guess is better than starving myself, but not by much. iv. There's a thin line between self-confidence and...

It’s not yours to carry

As I write this, I’m sitting in front of the altar in the sanctuary of my church—the church I attend and the church where I work. Twenty-four hours ago, I told a pastor and close friend that there are some days when I walk into this building I call home and feel like I can’t be here—shouldn’t be here. I’m too broken, too bruised, too shattered. But this is a sanctuary—a literal...

Abandoned: trigger warning

“Abandonment!” He exclaimed in the middle of our safety planning. “That’s your trigger! Whenever you feel abandoned or alone, you start to panic, start to relive the trauma, start to become suicidal.” Which makes sense when you know how the story ended. They say that speaking your truth allows for healing, that giving words to the trauma reduces the power it holds over you. Well, If...

How to stop relying on the approval of others.

I'll admit that this is something I'm still working on so this might be more for me than for you. Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash I sent her a text the other day, freaking out because I was spiraling. I accidentally texted someone on their day off, and I was convinced they now hated me. She simply replied: "Why does his approval matter so much to you?" The fact of the matter is, it's not just...