My therapist regrets to inform me I’m not a terrible person

And other things I doubt

My therapist has this way about him. Speaking gently when the voices in my head are screaming at me. You feel alone, like you have no one to be 100% honest with. Your support group, your friends, your family have no idea.

I tell him: Sylvia Plath once said, ‘I talk to God but the sky is empty.’ That’s how I feel right now, totally alone in this great big universe. I survived three suicide attempts. Maybe I got a second-third-fourth chance because of some greater cosmic purpose. Or, maybe, God made a mistake.

I don’t have a pastor when I need one the most.

It’s funny, you know. Working in a church when you don’t have a pastor. Funnier even than the fact that this writer used to want to be an Engineer. I believe in science because force always equals mass times acceleration, and density always equals mass over volume, and the force of gravity always equals mass times 9.8 meters per second per second. Maybe my mass is too big; I take up too much space.

Science is always true. Always the same. Of course, things get messed up at the quantum level, but on some level aren’t we all messed up. At least that’s what my therapist says. Maybe I’m not so alone as I think I am.

I don’t like people getting too close because I’m afraid that deep deep down, they’ll find out I’m a terrible person. Because sometimes terrible things happen, and I think I could’ve should’ve stopped it. But that’s a burden that’s not mine to carry. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Terrible people don’t worry if they’re terrible people, my therapist assures me.

There’s an exception to every rule.

As they were raping me, they told me no one would ever love me, that I deserved it, that it was all I’d ever be worth. Some nights I lie awake in bed trying to fight the voices: I know you know that they’re lying to you.

But what if they’re not?

The what if what if what ifs ring out in my head over and over again, and the things I doubt become stronger and stronger.

I’m a writer because I doubt, because I’m still trying to figure things out. The mysteries of life are too big to be quantified by some equation. I’m a writer because I have more questions than I have answers, because I doubt more than I believe.

I doubt I’ll ever be loved, I’ll ever be wanted, I’ll ever have a purpose.

But.

I believe that the ground will stand firm beneath my feet. But on the days when my depression is bigger than my hope, the ground seems shaky at best. Still, my faith is bigger than the things I doubt, and I get up anyway.

I get up anyway because once He whispered in my ear you’ll be ok. And I was. Not every day and always. But again. I’ll be ok again.

kldistaffen

I'm a music lover, reader, writer, lover of words, and hopeless romantic.I believe in magic.I wish my life were a Jane Austen novel.

1 Comment

  1. Right now I am reading David Bentley Hart’s translation of The New Testament. A lot of times he has translated what has commonly been referred to as the devil as The Accuser. The term accuser is resonating with me right now. I have had voices in my head that have led me to play small for so much of my life. I didn’t go out on a real date through high school and college because of voices in my head that said that nobody would ever want to date me for a boatload of reasons. Even though I’ve grown in my self-confidence over the years, I still feel the voice of The Accuser telling me that I can’t be more and do more. Thankfully, I have been able to hear The Holy Spirit a lot lately and it has been at the times that I have needed it the most. The key for me lately has been to focus on hearing the positive voices that are talking to me. The negative voices are still there. I just don’t listen to them as much and I try really hard to not believe them. It’s not easy and it has taken me 45 years to get to this place. But like most things in life, you can move forward if you just focus on taking things one step at a time and one day at a time and not focusing on the last step or two steps ahead. You have so much light to spread in the world. That’s why The Accuser is working so hard. He doesn’t want to see your light shine bright.

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