and other things I have to tell my therapist
i. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks.
ii. I can’t tell if my boundaries are getting more rigid or I’m just putting up walls. Again.
iii. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks because instead of talking about my feelings, I ate them. Which I guess is better than starving myself, but not by much.
iv. There’s a thin line between self-confidence and self-loathing.
v. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks because sometimes I feel too much, and I don’t know where to turn, and sitting with my feelings sometimes seems too scary.
vi. I walk the line between self-confidence and self-loathing every day.
vii. I dyed my hair red, and you noticed. You notice the little things people tend to ignore: the blank stare on my face during our sessions, the way I sit there and think before I speak.
viii. The blank stare on my face is because I’m in pain, and I don’t want people to know, which is backwards because I’m very vocal about how I feel most of the time.
ix. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks, and my identity seems to fit a little better.
x. I sit there and think before I speak because, unlike in writing, I can’t delete, undo, there are no take backs. I don’t want you to think I’m crazy.
xi. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks, and I’ve never been happier. Maybe it’s the hair.
xii. I started kickboxing.
xiii. I’m smiling again. Telling stories again.
xiv. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks and most people would say that’s terrible, but I just grin and say that’s life.
xv. But I started working out again. I forgot how good it feels after a good sweat.
xvi. I haven’t wanted to self-harm since I started working out (4 days and counting), which doesn’t seem like a lot, but both you and I know the truth.
xvii. I gained 15 pounds in three weeks. I don’t feel guilty anymore.