healing / hope / mental health / new beginnings

This changes everything

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

JK Rowling

I didn’t realize the power of prayer until I was sobbing at the altar, through the prayer, through the closing song, through the benediction. I didn’t realize the power of prayer until I had an army of people surrounding me, and for the first time in my life, I felt the Holy Spirit truly move. It was the Sunday after I committed myself to the psych ward, and I haven’t been the same since.

I hit rock bottom, I told him, unable to muster up the courage to look him in the eye. I hit rock bottom, and I’m not the same person I was three weeks ago. Three weeks ago, I had every intention of killing myself, of doing whatever it took, but I haven’t had a single suicidal thought since that day.

What changed? He continued, since I’ve known you, you’ve never gone that long without a suicidal thought.

My faith changed, finally having the confidence to look him in the eye, I continued. My identity has changed. I don’t yet know who I am or how to define myself, but it doesn’t matter how I define myself; it matters how God defines me, and that’s as his child.  

Apparently, my therapist has been trying to get me to say that for months, but it took me hitting rock bottom to realize how great God is. It took me hitting rock bottom to realize what people have been trying to tell me all along: that I am worth something, that I am loved, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

And that changes everything.

I had always defined myself by what I did: student, intern, social media specialist, writer. I always threw myself into my work, distracting myself so I didn’t have to spend time with me. I hate who I am.

I had no boundaries, didn’t take days off, didn’t rest, didn’t practice self-care, quickly burned myself out.

I hit rock bottom when I had nothing left to give to myself, to anyone else, to my job. I hit rock bottom because I spent so much time focusing on not letting others down, I let myself down.

I spent so much time defining myself by what I did, by what I could accomplish in a day/week that I forgot to define myself by how I’ve been made.

I hit rock bottom. But God met me there; he didn’t let me stay there.

And finding God at the absolute rock bottom changes everything.


I'm a music lover, reader, writer, lover of words, and hopeless romantic.I believe in magic.I wish my life were a Jane Austen novel.


February 27, 2019 at 7:57 pm

This was a beautifully honest post.

Your Cheerleader
March 11, 2019 at 10:21 pm

Brought tears to my eyes as you worded my own similar experience in a way I could not. Love you, love your voice, love your souls, love your will to keep going, love your faith.

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