Month: January 2019

I’m having a flashback right now, a trigger warning.

kldistaffen January 31, 2019 0 Comments
The coolness of the bathroom floor, a stark contrast to the sweaty guys surrounding me. We had been like this for fifteen minutes: me, lying on the ground, clothes askew; them, forcing their way into me, on me, around me. 10 hands tracing my body, forcing their way inside. I remember the way it felt: like being stabbed over and over and over again. Of their erections pushing against my back as...

To the guest speaker who spoke at my church this past weekend:

kldistaffen January 30, 2019 0 Comments
Thank you. For a long time, I've struggled with the idea of there being a loving God who can control all things. It's hard to reconcile that God with the God of my trauma. I found God in my trauma, in being raped, in getting pregnant and then miscarrying at 13. I found God in my suicide attempts and my battles with self-harm and Anorexia. But the God I found was different than the God I knew...

How to tiptoe around depression

kldistaffen January 30, 2019 0 Comments
Pick out your clothes the night before because mornings take too much effort. Change your mind two or three times while lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come. The next morning, try on every outfit you own that fits the occasion. Be happy with none of them. Wear the last outfit you try on because you are now running late. Set more alarms than is necessary for the morning: one which is the ideal...

Maybe home is more than just a place

kldistaffen January 29, 2019 0 Comments
Six months ago, I never thought I'd find myself here--in a room with white colored walls and a stippled ceiling, a place to call my own. "There's no place like home." Dorothy once said, as she tapped her ruby slippers Together one by one. "Home is where the heart is," They all say as if a heart can fill a place, take up Residence in a building full of feelings. Maybe home is more than just a...

This is what healing looks like

kldistaffen January 24, 2019 0 Comments
“But in the end, one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.” ― Albert Camus I always thought I'd end up killing myself one day; that's the way I'd go out--swallowing a bottle of pills, driving into a tree, or jumping out a window. So many ways to die; not enough time to execute them all. (See what I did there?) But then healing has this way of sneaking up on you, of...

What Borderline Personality Disorder taught me about myself

kldistaffen January 21, 2019 0 Comments
Borderline- Noun; a personality disorder (mood disorder) characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.I have to talk to you, I texted him at 8:00 one night, it's important. I sabotage relationships because I don't feel like I deserve any thing good in my life. I don't feel worth it. He simply replied, I know. But you are. It's hard existing in a world where you constantly feel...

Snowed In Sunday- Cinnamon Rolls

kldistaffen January 20, 2019 0 Comments
I woke up this morning to snow outside, a chill in the air, and canceled church. Instead of packing to move into my new apartment next week, I decided to give in to my craving for cinnamon rolls. But, since life happens so quickly--a blink of an eye, really--I didn't know last night that I would want homemade cinnamon rolls this morning. So, I had to improvise. Improvisation is key in my baking;...

How to survive a panic attack in three acts

kldistaffen January 19, 2019 0 Comments
Prologue:  On the bulletin board next to my desk is a handwritten checklist from my therapist: is it truthful? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If no, let it go. .  .  . Act 1:  Hold an ice cube in your hand, squeeze it until all you can focus on is the pain shooting up your arm. Nobody found me there, sitting in the workroom, rocking back and forth. I was paralyzed by some unidentifiable fear, a...

I challenged her to write a post in which she doesn’t mention her past (stolen from my old blog)

kldistaffen January 18, 2019 0 Comments
I forgave myself today, kneeling at the altar. You can't move forward if you're angry at the past-- angry at yourself for things that are not your fault, for relapses you could've controlled if you had just. . . just . . . re  a   c  h  e   d   out, for relationships you purposefully sabotaged because you don't feel worth anything. Maybe forgiveness can't change the past, but maybe it...

Letter to a suicide note

kldistaffen January 11, 2019 0 Comments
I found you tonight, tucked away amongst books I haven't read in years but love too much to throw away. I'm getting ready to move, packing books in suitcases and clothes in boxes because I can't stay here forever. I can't stay here forever: trapped in the past--but I can't move forward until I move out, can't live until I leave the place where I tried to die. I found you tonight, and I'm not sure...