Prozac and faith–What do they have in common? They both keep me going.

I was struggling to come up with the perfect first blog post for this new site, but then I realized that this is not what this site is about. It’s not about perfection or having it all together; it’s about the real, the raw, the messiness, and through it all, still searching for peace.

I had a blog before; maybe we were a part of that journey (that link can be found here).   

Maybe this is your first time encountering me and my writing, and that’s ok, too. You don’t necessarily need backstory to celebrate where I am now.

It’s not about what God is going to do in our lives; it’s about what God is doing in the here and now, and boy, is He working in my life.

This isn’t the perfect first blog post–but then again, I’m not perfect, nor do I try to be. I routinely cry at the altar on Sundays; I take cry breaks at work; I’m struggling with so many things: depression, PTSD, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

Recently, I took suicide off the table as an option, but the thoughts just don’t stop because I no longer want to kill myself. I’m learning how to navigate life in a post-suicidal world: one in which I exist alongside my suicidal thoughts, giving them the space they need to exist without the danger of acting on them.

This is a blog in which I will navigate life, a resource in which other people can find hope and know they’re not alone. They can find hope in learning that it is possible to find healing after trauma. My therapist asked me to write a letter, an angry letter, placing blame where it’s due, taking it from myself, and placing it squarely and firmly on the ones who raped me. And now the anger is gone. And now I’m feeling 10 years worth of hurt but I know that healing and peace exist on the other side. It does. There will still be bad days.

This isn’t the perfect first blog post–it’s a mess, like me. Like all of us. But it will be filled with honesty, guest posts from people I’ve met along the way, heartache, and hope.

None of us do life alone. So, here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to finding hope in the struggle.

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