When Your Faith in Church Fails

kldistaffen January 8, 2020 1 Comment
After 25 years of attending the same church, I visited another one. I'll never forget the day I realized Bathsheba was not bathing on the roof. It was definitely not a cold and broken hallelujah that day. It was an epiphany, as all the dominoes started to fall into place. Bathsheba was right where she was supposed to be: cleansing after her monthly menstrual cycle; David was the one on the roof...

(Online) Dating as a Trauma Survivor

kldistaffen December 11, 2019 0 Comments
When you start to get paralyzed, I need you to write about it, my therapist told me during our session on Friday. I need you to write about it because that’s how you process what’s happening, and for too long, you haven’t processed. He’s right. I know he’s right, but writing scares me. Writing scares me because there’s this layer of uncomfortability that comes with each post. Each...

Racing towards what scares me

kldistaffen December 6, 2019 0 Comments
I got pregnant when I was 13. I lost the baby a month later. The whole process was traumatic, and it's one of the traumas I'm finally working on processing. It's a loss I've never really allowed myself to grieve. But, here I sit, writing this. And I'm feeling the pain 13-year-old me carried quietly and silently for years, too ashamed to speak into existence. I haven't written a word in two...

The Art of Being Angry

kldistaffen November 11, 2019 0 Comments
(Since this got bigger than expected, if you guys need to talk about anything, reach out. I'd be happy to talk to you.) (originally posted on Medium.com) I need you to get angry, my therapist told me. Until you do, you'll be held captive to the shame and guilt for things done to you. I've been afraid to be angry at what happened. But then we watched that scene from Grey's Anatomy where Jo storms...

The Town I Grew Up From

kldistaffen November 8, 2019 0 Comments
What a now-defunct Walgreens taught me about living (originally posted on Medium.com) The town I grew up in has 28,625 people. It's a town my sister left, flying all the way across the country to find herself. (While I chose the more expensive route of hospital stays and therapy.) It's a town full of memories and pain, nostalgia and heartbreak. But mostly, it's full of family. Family...

You’ll Still Be- A prayer for the brokenhearted

kldistaffen October 23, 2019 0 Comments
Dear God, I'm tired. Tired of existing in this haphazard, self-sabotaging, trusting when it's convenient for me way. I'm tired of fighting. Dear God, am I tired of fighting. Tired of fighting the voices in my head, tired of fighting the voices from my past, tired of fighting the doubts of my future, tired of fighting the dreaded presence of my present. And I'm angry. Angry at you. Angry at what...

My therapist regrets to inform me I’m not a terrible person

kldistaffen September 17, 2019 1 Comment
And other things I doubt My therapist has this way about him. Speaking gently when the voices in my head are screaming at me. You feel alone, like you have no one to be 100% honest with. Your support group, your friends, your family have no idea. I tell him: Sylvia Plath once said, 'I talk to God but the sky is empty.' That's how I feel right now, totally alone in this great big universe. I...

I hope you find your peace

kldistaffen September 10, 2019 2 Comments
on this #WorldSuicidePreventionDay I didn't want any flowers, I only wantedto lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.How free it is, you have no idea how free.Sylvia Plath, Ariel TW: I understand that suicide is a delicate subject for many people. Some people reading this may have attempted it; some people reading this may know some one who attempted it; some people reading this may...

OCD

kldistaffen July 7, 2019 0 Comments
Right now, I should be sleeping, or at least trying to. Instead, I'm laying on my parents' couch wondering if I locked my apartment door. I'm going out of town for a week, and I can't remember if I locked my apartment door. Did I lock my apartment door? Fighting the urge to drive across town to check my apartment is making me restless. "Fight the urge," my therapist says. "Fight the urge." It's...